“Love” is a key word in the Bible. When people ask Jesus what it means to live according to God’s will, He says: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 22:37-40)
Countless other Bible verses fit in seamlessly with this. God is love. He deeply cares about us and He wants us to love Him, the people around us, and even our enemies. In practice, this is quite a challenge, but the command in itself is clear.
But then we suddenly come across a statement by Jesus that seems to say the exact opposite. “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.” (Luke 14:26) What does Jesus mean by this statement? Does He suddenly want us to hate the people closest to us? How does this command fit into the bigger picture of God’s will for our lives?
Context
When we want to understand a difficult passage from the Bible, it is always helpful to look at the context. In Luke 14, there are large groups of people following Jesus. They are interested in His message and in the miracles He performs. They want to know more about Him. Jesus says to these people: You are welcome to follow Me, but be aware that you will have to pay a high price for it. Think carefully before you become My disciple. If you want to follow Me, you must be willing to give up your possessions (Luke 14:33) and break with your current life (Luke 14:26). In that context, Jesus also speaks about hating one’s father, mother, wife, children, brothers, and sisters.
Why do we follow Jesus?
These words of Jesus touch a sensitive spot. All those people who are curious about Him want to discover what He can do for them. How can He enrich their lives? Those questions are understandable. If we want to follow Jesus, we often do so mainly because we hope to benefit from our relationship with Him. And that is certainly the case! He offers us love, justice, and peace. He promises us eternal life. He loves us so much that He gave up His life to save us.
But Jesus is not an addition or enrichment that we can add to the life we have built for ourselves. We cannot just fit Him and what He stands for into our existing agenda. If we let Him take control of our lives, this requires a total reset of who we are and how we live. He changes us completely, so that we no longer wonder how Jesus can enrich our lives, but allow ourselves to be led entirely by His love and grace and “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness” (Matthew 6:33). He becomes our purpose in life. He makes us completely new. This causes conflict, because we ourselves are not yet ready for this, and neither are the people around us. This can affect our most intimate relationships.
“Hate” — what does that mean?
The word “hate” sounds very negative. When we hate someone, we cannot stand that person. We continue to feed our negative feelings toward them and think all kinds of bad things about them. We hope that all the bad things in the world will happen to them and act accordingly.
Of course, that is not at all in keeping with Jesus’ teachings. He reveals Himself in a completely different way. He is full of love. And He never contradicts Himself; after all, He is God Himself. Apparently, we must and can “hate” in a way that is in keeping with Jesus, otherwise He would not have used this word.
Your deepest identity
Jesus does not say that we should despise others, or that we should consider them less important. Jesus is talking about a fundamental attitude: Who or what determines our identity? Who has the final say in our lives? What determines our self-worth? Do we base our identity on something temporary, something earthly, such as our family and relationships? All of that will pass away eventually. Jesus says: Let God’s love determine your identity. That will make you a free person.
Look at yourself through God’s eyes. Accept with gratitude that you are a beloved child of the Father, destined for eternal joy. You don’t need your children as your deepest foundation, you don’t need your parents, your friends, or your work, you don’t need anyone but God. You must let go of everything else. You are not first and foremost a spouse, parent, employee, or homeowner. You are first and foremost loved by God. Cured and nourished by that love, you can also fill the other roles in your life.
This is a very radical message, but also very light and liberating. Our heavenly Father bears responsibility for us and our loved ones; not us. We are free to live as His children. Then He can also use us for the benefit of people around us, but not as if their well-being depends on us. We do not need to be overly concerned about our children or our parents, brothers, and sisters. Nor do we need to frantically take care of ourselves and our own affairs. Living with such fear is, in fact, distrust of God. We must learn to trust Him completely and let go of everything else, to leave it all behind. Then we will not fall into a black hole, but into His loving arms.
This article is based on a sermon by André van der Graaf, pastor in Veenendaal, the Netherlands.