The first man and wife
When God formed a woman out of one of Adam’s ribs and brought her to him, he exclaimed: “This at last is bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh!” (Genesis 2:23). A unique union of two complementing creatures created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27) and sealed together as “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24; a reference to sexual intercourse), given dominion over the world. God designed the male and female body not just for the purpose of reproduction, but also as a symbolic reference to the future union between the spiritual and the physical: the ultimate wedding of the Bridegroom (Jesus Christ) to His bride (the Church) as described in Ephesians 5:25-27, Revelation 19:7-9; 21:1-2.
Consequently, when God designed the woman, His idea for a wife was that she:
- partners with her husband in all tasks given to the couple;
- honors her union with her husband in the same manner that she would expect Jesus Christ to honor His marriage to His bride, ‘thus forsaking all others’ as the well-known wedding vow goes;
- respects the fact that just like Jesus Christ is the Head of the Church, her husband is the head of his wife, and leader of the family unit.
It is important to note that 3) is not a commandment to disadvantage the wife. Human marriages reflect the covenant relationship between Christ and the church and we must all accept the Bridegroom as the Head of our Church. As His bride, we cannot presume to have the same authority as He does. Does this mean that the man gets to ‘control’ the woman: no, not at all. Christ gave Himself up for the church, to the point of sacrificing His life for her. Likewise, the husband should love his wife as his own body (Ephesians 5:25-28) and have a similar commitment to her. There is no room for self-centeredness in a marriage for either party.
Applying principle to practice
God’s decision that the husband should ‘rule’ over the wife (Genesis 3:16) was not intended to be misogynist towards the wife. Please consider this practical aspect: if both parties assume the same authority in every aspect of their marriage, it will most likely fail. And that is not what God intended. As Jesus said in Matthew 12:25, “A house divided against itself will not stand.” This also means, of course, that a woman (as long as she has the option of choosing her husband, which, sadly, isn’t the case in all parts of the world) is well-advised to choose him wisely. Pray about your potential spouse and do not be tempted to enter into a marriage that is ‘unequally yoked’ (2 Corinthians 6:14). If your husband is not a believer, he may not treat you like Christ cherishes His bride.
That isn’t to say you should leave him if you are already married, because a wife’s ‘respectful and pure conduct’ may win over a husband who is a non-believer (1 Peter 3:2) and save him for eternity. Again, God’s objective was not to create misogyny, or to disadvantage women within the marriage. On the contrary, He put in place safeguards to ensure that the husband treats his wife well, and that there will be room for her desires and input as a result of the respect and love he has for her. Indeed, as 1 Peter 3:7 warns us, husbands who mistreat wives can expect to have their prayers hindered, if they fail to live with their wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel. God values women as much as He values men (Galatians 3:28).
What is ‘respectful and pure conduct’ according to God?
Actually all Christians, male and female, should take note of the following. After all, we are all the bride, and our respectful and pure conduct as Christians may win over many non-believers. God delights in the “imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit”, it is very precious in His eyes (1 Peter 3:4). Wives place their faith in God; they do good and have no fear because of their trust in God (1 Peter 3:6). Let’s consider a few verses about ‘being a wife’.
- An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones (Proverbs 12:4)
- For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands (1 Peter 3:5)
- An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life (Proverbs 31:10-12; verses 31:13-31 further praise her qualities in many beautiful ways)
How should a wife treat her husband? What is her role?
Having a gentle and quiet spirit does not mean the wife cannot take initiative on her own or exercise any leadership, as we just read in Proverbs 31, Here, the godly wife is portrayed as an entrepreneur who bought a field (verse 16), has lively trading going on (verse 24), skillfully leads her household (verse 15) and teaches with wisdom (verse 26). She is described as “far more precious than jewels” (verse 10) and praised by her husband and children (verse 28). She does her husband “good and no harm, all the days of her life” (verse 12). Her husband’s heart “trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain” (verse 11).
A husband who fully trusts his wife and praises her, is a husband who feels respected and loved. The husband has a position of honor within his society: he is “known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land” (verse 23) – a position strengthened by his wife’s excellency. Actually, Proverbs 31 is an excellent ‘guide’ to a wife’s role in a marriage. It shows her as an assertive, proactive individual who supports her husband and takes care of the marital home. Her first priority, however, is to stand with him as his helper (Genesis 2:18-20). Is ‘helper’ a derogatory or misogynist term: no. Even the Lord God Himself is described as a Helper in Psalms 28:7, and so is the Holy Spirit (John 14:26).
Does a wife have personal ‘duties’ towards her husband?
Wives are not the employees of their husbands. The aforementioned paragraphs show that God exhorts husbands not to abuse their ‘rule’ over women. Jesus has no intention of abusing His bride, the Church, either, and it is His covenant relationship with the Church that human marriages should reflect. 1 Corinthians 7:1-5, about principles for marriage, echoes this. Both spouses have the same ‘responsibilities’ and rights, and are to have agreement about what happens in the marital bedroom. Note that in this respect, what the Bible doesn’t say is just as important as what it does say. It doesn’t say that wives ‘must’ do this or that. For more information on marriage and what it involves, please look up our section on marriage and sexuality.
Does a husband have ‘duties’, personal or otherwise, towards his wife?
Many aspects are already covered in the above paragraphs, but perhaps it is of interest to look into a well-known wedding vow, namely that the husband is to ‘protect his wife’. The Bible doesn’t actually specify this. But it stands to reason that if he loves her, a husband will do his utmost to keep his wife safe. And he mustn’t let her or any of their children go hungry or otherwise not taken care of; if he does, he is “worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).
Does the Bible say anything about being a bad wife?
As we’ve seen, bringing shame to her husband is not a good thing (Proverbs 12:4): her husband will resent her. Bossing him around isn’t good, either (1 Corinthians 11:9) nor is quarreling with him (Proverbs 21:9) – both denote disrespect for him. Clearly, being unfaithful to him is not an option, as Hebrews 13:4 reminds us.
In conclusion
In general, Jesus’ words in Luke 6:31 and Matthew 7:12 are very applicable here: whatever you wish that your husband would do to you, do also to him. The reverse is also true: whatever you don’t want your husband to do to you, don’t do to him, either.